The Club Cricket Conference Yearbook 2020

- 102 - ODI’s It wasn’t the Captain’s fault. He was surrounded by morons. Every time one of the senior players tried to stop a quick single they threw past the stumps and buzzers ensued. But his Best Friend told him not to sack them as they would be even more beholden to him if they stayed. Instead they should fire the heads of the ground and admin support staff. A good example was Gavin Williamson, the Colt’s manager, who picked his teams based on a system which favoured which schools the boys had attended rather than how they performed in matches. Once this strategy was revealed he was forced to change his selection policy even though his teams had already been picked. As a result, the chief scorer was fired, not Williamson. The R number is the number of runs scored per ball bowled. So, if the average is 1 run per ball bowled then the R rate is 1. The captain had based his whole policy on the R number. He had explained to everyone that, based on the advice of the senior bowlers, once the R number was reduced to .7 or below then the fielding restrictions could be relaxed. However, the Club Treasurer, Rishi Sunak, explained to him that he had spent so much of the club’s money in trying to keep the captain popular that the fielding restrictions needed to be relaxed even though the R number was only about .9. Many of the fielders, who had been spooked by the earlier proclamations and strictures, were extremely reluctant to spread out and stayed in little huddles in the inner ring. The Captain implored them to use the train to travel to away matches and buy their lunch and tea from retail outlets but they just stayed in the inner ring complaining that circumstances were no different from when he told them that they had to stay in close. Rishi Sunak had become the most popular man in the club when he was disbursing club funds to all and sundry as if bowling for a declaration. But his position started to look in jeopardy when it became obvious to all that when the season was over there would have to be a significant rise in annual subs and match fees to fund it. Confusion reigned everywhere. Were the slips supposed to be 6 feet or 3 feet apart and did it make a difference whether they were wearing a box or not? The bar was open after the match but how did you go about getting a drink? Matches weren’t allowed in Leicester or Manchester but the R number was worse in parts of London. You could go to watch club cricket but not county or test matches. You were required to wear pads in the nets but not in colts matches. And so on. The press pointed out that when the captain had been elected at the AGM last year he had stood on the pavilion steps and proclaimed that the “Buck stops here”. He replied that everyone must understand that he accepts absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for the consequences of his actions. He went on to sing several verses of “Land of Hope & Glory” claiming that it made him feel good and that there should be an end to the self-recrimination and wetness brought on by the “All wickets count” brigade.